words of wisdom...from a MAN.

Had a bit of a meltdown last night.


Lately, I have been sort of melancholy (notice the adjective...I in no way mean depressed) about my life. I feel like this is PRIMETIME in life...full of energy, no kids, lots of time. I feel that so many friends and acquaintances are doing these awesome, adventursome, Kingdom-moving things...selling everything and living in a third world country, working and living overseas, traveling, ministering to the poor/homeless/youth/etc.


I have dreamed of doing BIG things. Dreamed of leaving, going, serving, loving, and impacting. I still dream them. I'm still passionate about it. I know I can't paint and predict what it is exactly going to look like in my life. But lately, I've felt like this dream is nonexistent. I feel like life is in neutral at this point. I'm doing a job that I'm over-qualified for. I haven't gotten involved in any ministries at church or the community b/c I'm waiting to start teacher certification classes and get that done. Basically, I have felt purposeless, outside of our overarching purpose of "Love God with all your heart, mind, soul and strength" and "go and make disciples of all nations".


Well last night, I came home, and Judge had used number 2 in his kennel. Not only that, it was all over his feet. So I dumped him in the tub, stepping on some of it in the process. I just got really really ANGRY. And I couldn't snap out of feeling lousy after getting everything cleaned up. And I realized that all this had been in the back of my mind and I was mad that it felt like my life was resigned to cleaning up dog poopoo.

So I was explaining my discontent to my dear husband, when he looks at me and says: "sounds to me like you aren't very happy with the size of your garden."

Huh?

He says, "You say you feel ineffective and aren't seeing fruit. Well, how many kids do you see a day on average, one-on-one?" I say "about 9." He says "And one of those kids gave you a valentine saying they love and appreciate you. How often does a teenager say that? Most of my clients don't even know I exist and you influence these kids everyday. Because I know you, I know that you live Christ-like, so you are effective. But it sounds like you just want a bigger garden. You DO have a purpose...and you can't belittle your current garden...it needs to be pruned and cared for. Be faithful in little and....what?...(yes he actually pauses for me to finish this verse)"

"You will be ruler over much"

Sigh. Damn. That's convicting.

Turns out, my life is fine as it is going. It's God's will and all that. My discontent is ME. Wanting what I don't have. (hmmm isn't that coveting? which would be a sin.) It's true. I want the Lord to give me more. But the thing is...that requires more of me. Am I giving more of ME today? Everyday? How much am I sacrificing my comfort/security/time for the Kingdom in the things God has currently entrusted me with?

I am led back to a post by www.benandkatieinhatie.com

He writes:
I kept expecting my change in circumstances to make me into the person I wanted to be and knew I should be. Despite the fact that in nearly every season I just mentioned there was very little personal development.

How true this is of myself. I believe my effectiveness is proportionally related to what my circumstances are. And if God would just give me more, I would be really great. But my effectiveness depends on how much I allow Jesus to change and sanctify me. "He who is faithful in little will be ruler over much."

Jesus, change me. I am so sinful and stupid. Thank you that you save me from myself. Thank you that even in my stupidness, you still let me be a part of your plan.


Ugh. Jesus forgive me. I need me to change.