words of wisdom...from a MAN.

Had a bit of a meltdown last night.


Lately, I have been sort of melancholy (notice the adjective...I in no way mean depressed) about my life. I feel like this is PRIMETIME in life...full of energy, no kids, lots of time. I feel that so many friends and acquaintances are doing these awesome, adventursome, Kingdom-moving things...selling everything and living in a third world country, working and living overseas, traveling, ministering to the poor/homeless/youth/etc.


I have dreamed of doing BIG things. Dreamed of leaving, going, serving, loving, and impacting. I still dream them. I'm still passionate about it. I know I can't paint and predict what it is exactly going to look like in my life. But lately, I've felt like this dream is nonexistent. I feel like life is in neutral at this point. I'm doing a job that I'm over-qualified for. I haven't gotten involved in any ministries at church or the community b/c I'm waiting to start teacher certification classes and get that done. Basically, I have felt purposeless, outside of our overarching purpose of "Love God with all your heart, mind, soul and strength" and "go and make disciples of all nations".


Well last night, I came home, and Judge had used number 2 in his kennel. Not only that, it was all over his feet. So I dumped him in the tub, stepping on some of it in the process. I just got really really ANGRY. And I couldn't snap out of feeling lousy after getting everything cleaned up. And I realized that all this had been in the back of my mind and I was mad that it felt like my life was resigned to cleaning up dog poopoo.

So I was explaining my discontent to my dear husband, when he looks at me and says: "sounds to me like you aren't very happy with the size of your garden."

Huh?

He says, "You say you feel ineffective and aren't seeing fruit. Well, how many kids do you see a day on average, one-on-one?" I say "about 9." He says "And one of those kids gave you a valentine saying they love and appreciate you. How often does a teenager say that? Most of my clients don't even know I exist and you influence these kids everyday. Because I know you, I know that you live Christ-like, so you are effective. But it sounds like you just want a bigger garden. You DO have a purpose...and you can't belittle your current garden...it needs to be pruned and cared for. Be faithful in little and....what?...(yes he actually pauses for me to finish this verse)"

"You will be ruler over much"

Sigh. Damn. That's convicting.

Turns out, my life is fine as it is going. It's God's will and all that. My discontent is ME. Wanting what I don't have. (hmmm isn't that coveting? which would be a sin.) It's true. I want the Lord to give me more. But the thing is...that requires more of me. Am I giving more of ME today? Everyday? How much am I sacrificing my comfort/security/time for the Kingdom in the things God has currently entrusted me with?

I am led back to a post by www.benandkatieinhatie.com

He writes:
I kept expecting my change in circumstances to make me into the person I wanted to be and knew I should be. Despite the fact that in nearly every season I just mentioned there was very little personal development.

How true this is of myself. I believe my effectiveness is proportionally related to what my circumstances are. And if God would just give me more, I would be really great. But my effectiveness depends on how much I allow Jesus to change and sanctify me. "He who is faithful in little will be ruler over much."

Jesus, change me. I am so sinful and stupid. Thank you that you save me from myself. Thank you that even in my stupidness, you still let me be a part of your plan.


Ugh. Jesus forgive me. I need me to change.

Coming up...

Life is about to get busy...

-Celebrating my sis's birthday this friday.

-Haircut on saturday.

-Next weekend I go to WACO for Sing.

-My sis is scheduled to have her BABY on the 25th--yipee!!! Just call me "Auntie."

-The 27th, I have my first face to face training for teacher certification (did I ever mention I am getting my certification? turns out I love crazy students about as much as I loved crazy adults...maybe I'm crazy?) from 9-4.

-The 27th, Clint Justice and Kimberly Keller's wedding is in Dallas, that evening.

-The 27th, my neice/nephew will be 2 days old and I will HATE being anywhere but the hospital.

-Every Tuesday and every Saturday from the 27th I will have face to face training. BOO...till April. (but it's ok because then I can be a teacher)

-It's tax season! Which means I'm married to an accounting MACHINE until April 15th. He's such a computational stud. Can't wait for the revelry which will ensue in April!

-Spring break in March...will be spent eating up time with above neice/nephew. And sleeping. Maybe tanning? (if the sun ever decides to visit again) Maybe a visit with some friends? a trip to Waco? who knows.

so there's alot going on. but before we know it, it will be SUMMMMMMEEEERRRR!

Human good.

Just when you are convinced humanity is looking bleak with corruption, immorality, and greed, you see a bit of good.

There is a multi-network, multi-city, multi-nation telethon tonight on all
major networks called Hope for Haiti. Tons of celebs and other public figures. It massages my heart to see GOOD in people. I truly believe that even without a religious moral compass, people still desire to do and be good. And I love that the Good is all those things that Jesus was...kind, compassionate, loving, full of hope...

I promise my next post will be about something other than Haiti. I know there are those out there ready to move on. But this is what has continually been on my heart. I find it a difficult privilege to be broken by this situation...thank you Jesus for softening my heart, even though I hurt.

better.

feeling a bit better.

i feel a little LESS paralyzed knowing that the major need in haiti is medical...and that the airport is having a hard time getting enough doctors and food in, much less just randos (like me) who want to help.

my heart is still compelled to pray. HARD. which is the best i can do. i do know that should opportunities arise in the future, i would like to go there. also, tommy and i have verbalized the possibility of looking into getting disaster relief trained (through Red Cross or other organizations) to be available for future crises.

a friend from Baylor, Katie Wilhoit Kilpatrick, and her husband left to serve in Haiti about a month ago. here is their account from the past week...http://www.benandkatieinhaiti.com/

luckily they are safe, but need LOTS of prayer. they are serving as fully as they are capable and grappling with their future options.

it intrigued me that about 2 weeks ago, katie posted a list of songs that were speaking to her currently. one of those was Shane and Shane's "Embracing Accusation" (go download this song now if you haven't heard it). i feel the message of this song is such truth for this time, in that place. in the midst of such devastation many people ask "how could God let this happen?" unfortunately, there aren't any answers for why bad things happen in this world, why there is disease, hunger, and poverty--except for the fact that we live in a sinful, broken world. Yes we live in darkness...BUT the truth, the final refrain, is that JESUS SAVES. He is LIGHT to the dark, dark realities of this world. it's not because of him there is evil, it's because of him there is HOPE.

Oh the devil’s singing over me

An age old song

That I am cursed and gone astray

Singing the first verse so conveniently

He’s forgotten the refrain

Jesus saves!

on GOING.

For some reason my heart has been rocked by the devastation in Haiti currently. A 7.0 earthquake hit the capital, Port-Au-Prince, yesterday afternoon, the largest earthquake that has hit them in over 200 years. To quote news broadcasts, "the country was ill-prepared for this disaster". An estimated 3 million are estimated to be affected by this quake. Now, genereally my heart would go out in prayer to situations like these, but today my heart is saying GO, GO, GO.

I really have never before had such a compelling desire to go. I want to go be in the dirt and debris with these people. Help them search for loved ones. Sing with them in the street at night (as they have reportedly been doing). I want to tuck little ones in at night, who have no idea where mommy or daddy might be.

I want to hug this woman, and weep with her for the plight of her country.

As I have searched the internet for "ways to help," the overwhelming option is monetary aid. Why? I hate feeling constrained. It has compelled me to ask myself "why am I not ready to go?" There are so many options out there...placing yourself on disaster relief volunteer databases, being a part of Salvation Army and other relief organizations, even if by association. But I'm not. Therefore, I'm not ready. And it pains me. I am ashamed that when the Spirit compels me, I am constrained by my options. Maybe, by a miracle of God, my church will announce a team that will organize for this purpose. Or maybe, I will get up the guts to really consider making this heart cry a reality and proactively seek some information. Right now, that seems scary. Just being honest.

Pray for Haiti. And if you can, GO.

a little message...

Remember in college dorm days, it was the cool thing to have a dry erase board on your door? And people would leave little messages like, "Alli is da bomb" or "dinner in Collins at 6?" (or the random boy from Penland would go around and write profanity on everyone's boards)

Well, sometimes I wish people had these little message boards on their front doors. And as I'm walking my dog past I could jot down little encouraging messages like "pretty wreath" or "your dog is cute" or "don't forget to pay the rent!"

And to our upstairs neighbors, "um, please stop having really loud sex at 3 am. thanks."

may your days be merry and bright...

As you find rest and comfort this holiday season, I pray that each soul is illuminated with the knowledge of the immense gift that was given so many years ago. It is astounding to me that through a small child, adoption into the family of God, into His grace and acceptance, and ultimately, eternity with Him was offered. As you light the lights, open gifts, and feast heartily, let the knowledge of such a gift consume and fill your heart.

May your days be merry and bright...filled with the light of the One who has come and will return soon.

Happy Birthday, Jesus.