Grief

I feel like I'm going through a grieving process. For me, the biggest difficulty with this new nutrition program is that I still am not 100% committed to wanting a change. And it is not like I'm casually choosing to eat "healthy".

This is CHANGING. MY. LIFE.
Forever.

Part of me knows the benefits of eating clean FAR outweigh anything gained from a "regular" diet. THAT part wants to get to the place where I don't want to put junk in my body and craves proper fuel.

But there is still the part of me that doesn't want to lose "good" food. See, one of the effects of removing the bad stuff from your diet is that you lose your taste for it, you can't handle the effects of it and no longer want it. Which is great. Except right now, I still want to want pizza. Hamburgers. Cookies. PASTA.

And so here I am resenting the decisions I am making daily because I know they will essientially kill my desire for the foods I am not eating. We have a faculty meeting once a month. If your birthday is in that month, you get a cookie from Paradise Bakery at the end of the meeting. Today, I had to pass up my once a year opportunity for my cookie. That made me sad.

I have some decisions to make people, some questions to ask myself.

Do I really want to change? I tell myself I want optimum health, optimum physical ability, optimum energy and quality of life. Do I want it bad enough to stick it out and change for good? Do I have the strength for it? Do I have the strength to DAILY choose to ignore the foods I once loved? Do I have the strength to go to a holiday party or a wedding and push around the potatoes on my plate, or let that delectable little hor'dourve pass me by, or turn down that piece of cake? Do I WANT to have that strength?

This is just a little honest glimpse of where I am right now. Haven't cheated yet. I haven't found anything worth it.